The 5 Easy Steps For Talking About The Tough Stuff

It’s not rocket science, it’s actually pretty straight forward. But most of us are not used to being this honest and direct. Relationships can be utterly transformed by using this simple formula for talking assertively about the tough stuff.

There are 5 easy steps. They do not necessarily need to be in this order, so long as all the steps end up being included. But this order works well for most people.

This communication formula is useful in a wide range of situations.

 The 5 Easy Steps:

 Step 1: "I Observe"

 In the first step, talk about what you have observed, using your 5 senses. At this point, no judgement, no big emotions, just simple observation. Your comments should provide enough detail that anyone else who was there would recognize the scenario you are describing, but not so much as to be mind-numbing.

 Step 2: "I Think"

 In the second step, talk about what you think about what you have observed, or ask for information or provide information or a judgement. This step comes out of your head – what are you thinking?

 Step 3: "I Feel"

 In the third step, talk about how you feel, emotionally. Talk about what the impact of the other person’s choices has been on you. This step comes from the heart, or from the gut.

 Step 4: "I want"

In this step, you are essentially trying to establish a contract. Talk about what you are willing to do, and not willing to do; what you want more of, what you want less of; what you will agree to, what you will not agree to.

 Step 5: “I Intend”

 In this step, talk about what you intend to do, your plans, based on the other person’s choices. Talk about “natural results” or “consequences.” Put the future in the other person’s hands. “If you do that, I will do this”. Then you might ask the person you are communicating with to share their own thoughts and feelings, using the same formula for communication.

Below there are examples of 3 different conversations that use the 5 easy steps. The first is a “good news“ message to a new acquaintance. The second is a “shaping” message in a fairly new relationship. The third is a protective message in an established abusive relationship.

Now Let’s Put These Messages Together:

First, a good news message:

 “I noticed your smile last night. When you smile, you light up the whole room. I am curious to know if you are with anyone? I feel very attracted to you and I’d like to get to know you better. I would like to get involved with you, if you are interested too. I promise to try to keep that smile on your face! What do you think?”

Now a behavior shaping message:

“I noticed at the party last night you drank 6 beer, 2 glasses of wine, and I think I also saw a shooter or two. I want to know if this pattern is typical for you when you party, or was that an unusual night for you? I am worried, and unsure. I’m not willing to get involved with a heavy drinker. I will back you 100% if you choose to stop drinking, I will even attend AA with you. But if your choice is to keep drinking as you did last night, I will end this relationship. It’s up to you. I won’t mention this again for a week, but by next weekend, I need to hear your decision, and you know now what I will do in response. Is there anything you need to ask me for?”

And a protective message:

 “I hear you saying that you will never hit me again, but I have heard you say that before. I also see that our dog is limping since you kicked her last night. In my opinion, you really think you can curb your violence, but I am not so sure. That’s not what the evidence says to me. I predict that you will likely have another violent episode. The violence in our relationship has worn me down. I am exhausted. I am worried about where this relationship is headed, and I’m tired of being scared of you. I want to feel safe in my own home. I want to get my life back. If you choose to honour my boundary, then we can continue to live together and I think we can be happy. But if you hit me again, I will call the RCMP and charge you with assault. If I have to charge you more than once, then the relationship will be over, I will leave you. Your choice.”

Hints For Doing It Well:

Here are some common errors in using this communication formula, and some hints for using it effectively:

Thinking you should be nice to someone who is treating you poorly. Be calm, use polite words, but be honest, and real and say whatever you need to in order to protect yourself. There is no obligation to appear to be nice to someone if they don’t deserve it and you don’t feel that way.

Setting consequences that you will never follow through on. If you say you will charge him, then next time he hits you, you don’t charge him, what have you taught him? Make your consequences feasible.

Setting consequences that don’t fit the nature or severity of the issue. If the issue is chewing gum, and you threaten to call the RCMP, what will the result be? That consequences was too big. The other person will likely laugh at you, and the moment will be lost. If the issue is he beats you, and you giggle and hint that if he does it again, maybe you won’t like it, then the consequence is too small. The violent behavior is likely to continue.

Making a threat of a negative consequence. Promises of rewards usually work better than threats of punishment. If your kid refuses to clean up the toys, then promising 30 minutes of a favourite TV program if the toys get picked up may have better results than threatening to take away 30 minutes of TV. That’s just human nature.

Being inconsistent with consequences. If you say one thing and your spouse says another, who should the child believe? If sometimes your child receives a punishment for a misbehavior and sometimes he is ignored for the same actions, how is he to know what is expected of him? Set a fair consequence, and stick to it. Follow through the same way, every time.

Waiting too long. Your assertion should come as soon as possible after the event you are concerned about, immediately if possible. For children, the consequence must be something immediate that can be easily tied to the misbehaviour, in the child’s mind. Otherwise, it may seem to your child like just random punishment for the sake of exercising dominance over the child. That will just make the child hate or fear you.

The consequence is not important to the other person. The consequence needs to be something the other sees as being a consequence, not necessarily what you would see as a consequence. It must be meaningful to the other person if you are setting boundaries. If you say you will take away your child’s TV time, but your child would actually prefer to play video games, then your consequence will not mean anything to the child an there is little reason for the child to alter their behavior.

You use the formula inappropriately for the context. You may need to modify the formula in some circumstances. For example, not all workplaces honour or respect expressions of emotion, so you may need to omit or downplay the “I Feel” step for a message at work. If someone is in your face abusing you, you do not want to be vulnerable to him or her. So omit Step 3 (I feel) and maybe also Step 2 (I think.) Just say “This is what I saw” and “This is what I will do if you do it again”.

What Makes it Work?

This is a tool to be used when your intention is to build a more intimate relationship with another person. Using these steps in a way that is actually intimidating or aggressive will not have the desired effect of bringing you closer and would mark you as being an aggressor. This is not a weapon to be used to score points or to gain some advantage over the other person. It is a tool for building intimacy and trust.

Fearless honesty and authenticity is essential to using this formula successfully. It’s not easy to be totally transparent, direct and scrupulously honest. But that is what is required in a healthy relationship.

This formula works largely because being this honest makes us vulnerable to the other person, especially the “I Feel” step. Willingness to be vulnerable is what builds intimacy in relationships.

Notice how often you use the word “I” when using this communication formula? Using I statements allows you to be really honest about what is going on inside you. That makes relationships more open and honest, more dynamic, and more satisfying.

When you take responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings, needs and actions, you are being assertive. It is much easier to talk with a person who is being assertive rather than trying to communicate with a person who is being either passive or aggressive.

When you are talking about your own perceptions and experience of the world, rather than attacking the other person, the other person is usually better able to listen to you, so conflict is diffused, and you are more likely to get what you need.

Including the last step, your intentions, helps to clarify where you are coming from and why you are speaking. Not all communication requires consequences, but consequences, natural consequences, or ones you create, are very useful when you need to protect yourself or when you want to shape the relationship to be more healthy or satisfying for you.

This article is based on and inspired by a similar guide developed by Jock McKeen and Ben Wong of PD Seminars, Gabriola Island, British Columbia. To experience their approach first hand, why not enroll in one of their “Come Alive” workshops? Their website is:  www.haven.ca